Romney Will Attempt to Dismantle GOP and Sell Off the Pieces (Satire)

Next month, Mitt Romney is scheduled to speak at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). It will be his first appearance since the night he conceded the election to the better candidate.

He has been laying low these last few months, after succeeding in finally destroying the Romney name. A name his father had worked so hard to make a viable option in public service. Sources say that Romney, like most narcissistic, A-type personalities, decided he could not sit still and just enjoy his millions; the itch to become involved in politics re-emerged after he watched President Obama give his second inaugural address.

In late January, he was quoted by an unnamed source as saying “I thought making the Romney name an embarrassment in America would fulfill that urge I have to destroy things I get my hands on, but I’m still hungry, I want more.” Admittedly, the sources say the last part of that quote was rather confusing, as it was said as he was standing in front of the Exclusive Golf Club Lunch Buffet.

The “urge I have to destroy things I get my hands on”, was most likely referring to his time at Bain Capital, where Romney worked at acquiring companies and then dismantling them to sell off the pieces – much like the guy on Pretty Woman, who had a similar hair style but liked to spend his money on whores.

Various rumor-mongers have deduced that Mr. Romney has now set his sights on the Republican Party, seeing it as something that needs to be dismantled and sold off to the highest bidder, as it is no longer a profitable endeavor for America. Over the last few weeks he has publicly announced a veiled threat that he ‘wants to help any way he can.’

Sources say he has been in negotiations with various, fanatical terrorists’ organizations from the Middle East, as possible buyers of the GOP, who find the Republican Party’s stance on women’s rights, gay rights (and numerous attempts to destroy their own country through lack of doing anything over the last four years), something they can relate to.

Calls to the Romney people, to verify these claims, have not been returned.

What say you, the people?