North Korea Threatens To Kill Self If World Doesn't Stop Laughing At It

In an unprecedented move, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, has announced that if the world does not stop laughing at them every time they threaten nuclear annihilation, then maybe they won’t be around to make fun of any more. When asked if he was actually threatening to kill himself, Kim Jong said, “What? Me? No, I would never kill myself…but my country, my country might just do something drastic if the rest of you don’t start taking us seriously.”

He then went on to complain that he was still being laughed at by letting Dennis Rodman come into his country, all the while, thinking it was President Obama. “Who knew they all looked so alike?”  The day Rodman left North Korea, it was revealed to Kim Jong that he had not just hosted the leader of the free world.  One North Korean spokesman complained, “We spend a lot of money on food, entertainment and even put our best, Egyptian thread count sheets on the bed, and then to find out it was just a basketball player, that’s embarrassing!”

Things haven’t been going well for the new leader of North Korea, who, since the death of his beloved father, has been unable to harness the passion of fear that was used to motivate his country for so many years. Though often afraid to talk, when we asked every day North Koreans why they didn’t fear Kim Jong the way they did his father, most replied that it was hard to be afraid of someone with that haircut, or such a cute, pudgy face – and a small group alluded to the fact that instead of seeming angry, he often just came across as a ‘big cranky-pants.’

To make his threat of national, self-annihilation more serious, Kim Jong has had the military aim their nuclear arsenal at his palace and important buildings around the country. The Netherlands has placed North Korea on suicide watch, and in a few days, will be sending in Peace Keepers to collect all the belts and shoelaces of every North Korean – as a precaution. They may also have them taken off solid foods until a National Psychological Evaluation can be done. The EU has made a formal request that the United States consider sending in Tony Robbins, because as stated in the correspondence to the White House, “…that Mr. Robbins guy seems like he can really help motivate this country and turn things around for the better…maybe he can get them all to walk over hot coals or something.”

No word from the White House, or Mr. Robbins, if this request will be taken seriously.


S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at

Author: The Blue Route

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