Under intense pressure to find a replacement for Mitt Romney post throne abdication, RNC Chairman, Reince Priebus has given in and decided to crown Rand Paul as the new King of Making Shit Up.
Priebus said, “I know he’s a little daffy and I don’t what the hell that thing is on top of his head, but we need someone to take the throne of Bovine Scatology.”
Other contenders were considered, but all were too deeply flawed. Michele Bachmann is finally giving up the ghost and leaving politics, and you know, she has a uterus, and as Priebus noted, “That would really put a crimp on the War on Women we are so successfully waging.” Sarah Palin desperately wanted in, but as Priebus put it, “No one believes she would serve a full term, and there’s also the uterus thing.” Steve King was coming on particularly strong, but the GOP prefers bullshit to out-and-out batshit, so he was bypassed as well.
That left only the son of the perennial goof Ron Paul as a viable option. While Priebus had reportedly hoped to avoid anyone with libertarian leanings, as you can see the pickins were slim.
Following in the footsteps of Romney will be no easy task. The great hair, the granite jaw, the alabaster teeth, and used car salesman vibe all amounts to a heavy lift for Paul. Even greater still was Romney’s ability to pretend as if video recordings and previously written stories and interviews about the car elevator expert never existed. Who can forget Romney declaring at one event that Obama had made the recession “worse,” only to pretend he never said that when presented with contrary evidence. His steely resolve and commitment to the art of making shit up was near Jedi like.
Still, last week when Paul claimed there was “no objective evidence” that black voters were being disenfranchised, Priebus could no longer hold back the wavy coiffed onslaught of the Junior Senator from Kentucky. It was already difficult enough after Paul staged his 13 hour anti-drone filibuster despite being for more drones on the border. You know, to keep an eye on those “brown people.”
Choosing Paul became all the more tempting when confused liberals briefly held Paul up as a progressive hero because some on the far left will follow anyone who promises to end drone use, consistency, history of racism, and lack of a time machine be damned.
So when Paul followed up with his comments on the ease of which black voters can access the ballot box (even though on average a black voter waits twice as long as a white one to pull the lever), RNC PR BS (no vowels needed) simply had to accept the fact that even in the Republican Party, no one could keep up muskrat dome (I’m guessing it’s a muskrat).
As Priebus said with a sigh as he lifted his shit from shinola scepter to head to the ceremony, “The bastard earned it.”