Can you imagine the reaction of the Tea Party? Or, the commentators on Fox News? The odds are overwhelming that they would call God a socialist or worse. No doubt they would blame President Obama for God’s sudden announcement. Because in their world, everything evil in the world begins and ends with that Muslim-leaning, foreign-born, illegitimate president who lives in the White House.
But wait a minute. I seem to recall a few teachings when I was being raised as a Catholic, those painful Sunday’s in CCD, that just may give some insight to God’s political leanings. The best evidence at hand, are the teachings of his only son (how lucky was he to have a son and not a daughter, can you imagine how history may have been rewritten?), Jesus Christ. The gospels strongly suggest that God could only be a Democrat. Did not Christ say that those among us with the least should be helped by those who were more fortunate? Did not Christ resist three temptations by the devil including one for absolute power political power?
Hmmmmm…..now this is getting interesting.
So I wonder, if God could mysteriously appear in front of different Republican leaders, what would he/she say to them? Let’s just imagine, shall we?
House Speaker John Boehner
“Johnny, my son. You drink and smoke way to much. Your skin is a strange orange color. Has the Devil taken over your soul? And you lie so much just to make Satan’s words sound truthful. But what really concerns me Johnny, is your inability to lead and sacrifice. I gave my only son so he could die for your sins and yet, you are afraid to risk your Speakership to save the country. Where did you go wrong, my son? I command you to resign your Speakership immediately and say 3,000 Hail Mary’s at Holy Trinity. My son, Jack used to worship there and the church was founded by Archbishop Carroll, whose cousin was a signer to the Declaration of Independence. I bless you, Johnny.”
Eric Cantor, House Majority Leader
“OMG, Eric where do I start with you. Since you follow the Jewish faith, you do not even believe in my only son. You can’t even put all the letters in my name. I am unable to even send you to purgatory when you die. But Eric, as God, I love all my children. Even if you seem to take after my son, Niccolo, I am more concerned with your actions on the Farm Bill. Eric, my wandering child, you have taken food away from members of my flock that live on crumbs. Have you no heart, Eric? Isn’t your darling wife a Catholic and a liberal? Eric, I command you to begin spelling my name correctly, tell your flock of Republicans that you have had a change of heart and will amend the Farm Bill, and to live, without pay, among the homeless till I give you permission to return to the comforts of your home.”
Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader
“My son, Mitch I am not sure what do with you. You showed signs of courage by forging a compromise with my son, Harry. You overcame polio when you were a child. You should be more compassionate. But in the past you have spoken many an evil word about my people, especially Barack. You filibuster way to much. I hate to break the news to you, but I did not event the filibuster. You are not acting in my name when you do so. The filibuster was created by cousins of my son, Niccolo. I have also heard rumors that you threaten other Senators to get what you want. I have no choice, Mitch, but to sentence you to purgatory when you die. I realize that you are a Baptist, but so what. However, since I am a compassionate God, you will always have a chance to redeem yourself. I shall be watching closely when you debate my daughter, Alison. That is should you win your primary. You do realize that I can help you win should you get your act together.”
Ted Cruz, United States Senator from Texas
“Ted, Ted, Ted……you convinced your party to shut down the government for almost three weeks and nearly cause the United States to default on its debt. For what, my son? So citizens in America cannot get access to affordable health care? My son, you know that I hear all prayers. Sorry pal, but I hear private thoughts too. After all, I am God! I know you are praying nightly to get elected president in 2016. You seek God-like power but, my son, you cannot have it. Your heart is filled with emptiness and darkness. Unless you want to experience my wrath, I command you to stop thinking my people are your pawns. I am sorry, my son but your ambitions to become president will die in vain. You have hurt too many people, as you seek absolute power. As you know, Teddy, there is the God of the Old and New Testaments. I am not always compassionate. Your punishment will be severe. First, you will have to endure watching my son, Marco, the water gulper, become your party’s nominee. Next, my son, Bernie will read you bedtime stories for the 60 nights. Last, I have commanded those in power to reveal your true citizenship. I am sorry, and I did consider an exorcism but you are too far gone. Consider yourself lucky that Harry Potter is a fictional character. Otherwise I would allow him to use his wizardry on muggles.”
“Republicans, I am watching all the time. Oh, and Francis, keep up the great work! Your latest statement on ideology and religion was excellent!”