Breaking News: Rand Paul Attacks President Obama’s Poop!

In a surprising move on Wednesday, Tea Party wild child, Rand Paul, declared war on President Obama’s bowel movements.

On the floor of the Senate, Rand Paul brought out a professionally-made-by-Kinko’s chart that showed the United States heading toward a second recession, and said it was the regularity of the President that may be to blame.

He cited ‘White House sources’ as leaking that an additional bran muffin had been added to the morning meal of the President. These sources also say that because of this extra fiber, visits to the White House restrooms have increased at least one more time per day.

“Sure, one more bathroom break a day may seem insignificant to you” Rand exclaimed, “but when you add up these bathroom breaks – five a week, twenty a month – we’re talking hours of time he could have been solving the problems that face America, rather than sitting on the throne, probably reading a Reader’s Digest!”

During his four-hour rant concerning the President’s bathroom use, he was interrupted only one time, when Senator Lindsey Graham pointed out that the toilet water and toilet paper, all paid for by the American taxpayer, were costing an already struggling nation.

When questioned, the White House officially stated that they were not aware of any bran muffin being added to the President’s diet, nor of any increase in his restroom usage. Senator McCain, when asked about the subject, stated that this was “Obviously just another Oval Office cover-up”, then went on some awkward rant about kids always messing up his lawn.

Senator Paul is now trying to find co-sponsors for a bill that would restrict the Commander-in-Chief from only being allowed one bathroom break every four hours, and more transparency on the amount of toilet paper being used within the West Wing. Unfortunately, he has had some difficulty with finding a Senator on the Republican side of the aisle who is willing to be a part of his sad decline in politics, and as a human being.


S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at

Author: The Blue Route

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