In the book “Bozo Sapiens”, mother and son authors, Michael and Ellen Kaplan wrote that, “it’s not that humans suffer from a lack of ideas, but that most of our ideas are basically – well – goofy.” After I read the book I decided to take a look around to see if I could find some examples. I’m sure you are way ahead of me. It was quite easy. Here’s a few proofs of concept.
Bring your guns to church. Why? To show our children that guns belong in a place of peace and love .
Argue against your own best interests by regurgitating the words of people who make a great deal of money destroying your best interests.
Vote for the guy who runs the most vicious negative political ads even though you don’t know what he stands for.
Ignore medical science and keep smoking and overeating unhealthy foods. Sue the tobacco companies for your misguided personal decisions.
Demand more public services but refuse to support the tax increases needed to pay for them.
Blame natural disasters on gay people. Claim that you have a direct line to God and He tells you that he doesn’t like gays. Do this even though you claim to believe all people are created equal.
Be pro-life for the unborn but once they’re born, vote to eliminate any social programs that might benefit them – oh and support the death penalty.
Keep looking for Noah’s ark and convince yourself that it could contain two of every kind of the millions of species on the earth. And for goodness sake, keep claiming evolution is “just a theory.”
Fight against insurance coverage for mental health because mental illness is a character flaw.
Confuse your strong personal convictions for reality. In other words, believe that “you tell it like it is.”
Have an absolute grasp of what’s right and wrong for all other inhabitants on the planet.
Decide how another nation’s people should be governed because our system is working so well.
If someone criticizes America, call him a traitor and then go to your favorite bar and complain about how screwed up we are.
When confronted with a differing opinion get angry and shout at the other person. This action will certainly bring a satisfactory resolution to the conflict and you won’t have to listen to his point of view.
Loudly exclaim that you think for yourself while repeating what you heard on your favorite talk show.
Justify doing evil in return for evil and expect wars to bring peace.
Believe that UFO’s exist but they only contact drunk and toothless people in remote rural areas.
Insist that global climate change is a political issue and part of a giant conspiracy while the polar ice caps melt and the oceans rise.
Believe your country can function well when a very large portion of its population is in economic distress, doesn’t have decent housing, healthcare, nutrition or access to a decent education.
Let your children witness thousands of hours of mayhem in the entertainment media and wonder why we have such a violent society. Ignore our 300 million guns.
Create zero tolerance policies so no one has to make a rational decision anymore. For instance, send a six-year-old child home because she brought a knife to school to cut her birthday cake.
Create mandatory sentencing laws. Put non-violent, first-time offenders in prison so they can become expert criminals.
Keep spending billions on declaring wars on anything we want to fix – drugs, poverty, terrorism, waste, pollution, etc. But don’t spend anything on understanding and eliminating their causes.
Spend trillions on foreign wars and leave our borders porous because we can’t afford to secure them.
Drink and drive. Hire a good lawyer when you get the inevitable ticket. Tell everyone your success story and teach the next generation how to get by with drunken driving.
And by all means don’t fall for the antics of the ACLU who exist to protect your rights – but keep complaining that your rights are being taken away.
Insist on cutting government spending to reduce the deficit while knowing full well that it will cost hundreds of thousands of jobs which in turn will decrease government revenues.
Finally, keep blaming a new incumbent for the mistakes of the previous incumbent. This will secure our dysfunctional government system.
But don’t despair. The end days are upon us. At an unknown moment soon, some of us will be taken up in the rapture. The rest of us – well, we deserve what we get.
But wait. Maybe the rapture has happened and those of us who remain are enduring this idiocy as a punishment, while the good people enjoy ecstasy in heaven.
I think maybe the Kaplan’s know something.