Supreme Court Makes Historic (almost) Unanimous Decision

After a very heated debate within the mighty walls of the United States Supreme Court Building, the nine justices were finally able to reach a 7 to 2 decision on what to order for lunch.

“It’s common for us to debate on what we’re going to eat,” said Justice Sotomayor, appointed to the bench in 2009, “but for us to actually start our discussion at 11 am on a Tuesday and not reach a decision until noon on Thursday, that just got a little out of hand.”

Court interns say most of the idiocy was brought on by Justices Thomas and Scalia. Apparently Justice Thomas, appointed to the bench in 1991 by George H. W. Bush, refused to answer any questions for two entire days, finally breaking his silence with an inappropriate joke involving the words ‘fart‘, ‘fag‘ and ‘bitches‘ – to the chagrin of the other Justices. Justice Scalia, according to witnesses, kept repeating that since no one noticed his new haircut, why should he help them choose where to eat?

Eventually, late Thursday morning, both Justices did vote and ended up being the 2 ‘no‘ votes on what ended up being a lunch from Hunan Dynasty on Pennsylvania Avenue, known for their Hot and Sour soup.

The vote to order appetizers was shot down in a 5 to 4 vote, the Conservative judges saying it was a waste of money when the portions of the entrees were obviously big enough. Justice Kagan, appointed to the court in 2010, tried to explain to the Conservative Justices that if they ordered the lunch special of the appetizer and the entree, they would actually be saving more money in the long run, but like all good Conservatives, it turned out saving money wasn’t really what they were after – they just wanted to whine and be assholes.

A last minute addition of egg rolls was added to the order by Justice Roberts, a surprise to no one, as he had been flip-flopping on the idea for almost an entire day.

Sadly, due to this debate lasting almost 48 hours, the already feeble Justice Ginsburg, appointed to the court sometime during the Lincoln Administration, had to be taken out of the chambers by paramedics due to her dangerously low blood sugar numbers. Sources tell us they are not too worried about her health, because apparently as she was being wheeled out by the EMT’s, she had the strength to both grab an egg roll and give Justice Thomas the bird.

The next lunch is set to take place sometimes around noon today, and rumors are already floating around that Justice Breyer has his heart set on pizza from Matchbox, but Justice Alito was overhead saying, “That old bastard always wants that shit, but every time it comes, he barely touches it.”

The court is also set to start discussions about where to send out their robes to be dry-cleaned, a debate that is historically known to last throughout the summer months, most years. In anticipation, cans of Ensure are being stockpiled around the seating area of Justice Ginsburg.

 

S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at www.TheMessyGlory.com

Follow S. Bernstein on Twitter: @MrBernstein on Twitter

 

Author: The Blue Route

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