Senator McCain Proposes Bill To Get Those Damn Kids Off His Lawn

 Catching Washington by surprise, Senator McCain(R-AZ), announced his proposal of bill H.R. 732, which would enact a country-wide law to get kids off his lawn.

Senator McCain, also known as The Cranky Lion by his colleagues,  stated that the future of America’s lawns depends on how we handle what has become a growing epidemic at a majority of his 30 or so houses around the nation.

The surprise came not only from the fact that McCain has found something else to bitch about (just kidding, no one was surprised), but what was surprising is that he proposed such Legislation in the time between when Congress just got back from their Easter Break and just before they head out on their Fuck it, it’s Spring-Break – a series of weeks that is normally used to play golf, redecorate their offices and hide the dead hookers.

Sources close to the Senator say this action is taking place because of several incidents involving a majority of his houses that he owns around the country. When asked how many of his lawns had been violated, Senator McCain mumbled something about it being ‘too damn many.’ When asked if he actually knew how many houses he owned, he mumbled something about there being “…something like 30 or 40“, then reminded reporters that he ‘spent time in a cage and was an American Hero, Goddammit!’ 

Rumors in Washington are leaning toward this bill actually becoming a law, mainly due to the fact that everyone is tired of him walking around like a curmudgeon all the time – and as one Senator put it – ” We need to give the old bastard a win once in a while, I mean my God, he’s run for President twice and got his ass kicked!” 

Upon reading the bill, it mainly just makes it a felony offense to purposefully walk on the lawn of any property owned by Senator McCain, and the only portion which is expected to be dropped before final passage is the part where it states that upon a third violation, the perpetrator could be ‘…strapped to a metal bed frame and electrocuted (Section 4, paragraph 8, Section C).’

Just last month Senator McCain tried passing a bill that would make it against the rules of the Senate to refer to him as the The Cranky Lion, but when he found out the next choice was The Bitchy Old Lady, he decided the lion reference was something he could live with.

We’d also like to add, for the record, that Senator McCain survived in a cage and is an American Hero…Goddammit!


S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at

Author: The Blue Route

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