The National Conference of American Proctologists have reportedly paid Conservative radio host, Rush Limbaugh, a reported $3.8 million to be the featured speaker of this years event. Previous years have seen the likes of celebrities like Chuck Norris, Patricia Heaton and Glenn Beck delving into the world of Proctology, for the big bucks, but this years price tag is far and above the usual $1 million or less payment.
Martha Certiflug, President of the American Proctologists Association, has said that Mr. Limbaugh has been an elusive figure that they have been trying to get speak at their convention for years. She explained,
“Every year we try to find an American who has risen above and beyond the everyday jerkiness that seems so rampant in our society, but instead, has taken it to a whole new level. We pride ourselves that in our past years we have been able to entice people like Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove and Joe Scarborough to talk to our medical professionals, but it is not very often that we land someone like Rush Limbaugh. What better gift could you give a thousand doctors who spend their days looking at assholes, then to bring them one of the biggest assholes this world has ever seen? The excitement in the room will be electric!”
A spokesperson shared with us that it had become a bidding war between Limbaugh and author Ann Coulter, but the deciding factor was that the organizers decided they would rather not bring in a woman who was most likely going to offend anyone in the audience who was mentally handicap, a minority, a liberal, had a brain or owned a vagina. When we asked how Limbaugh would be any less offensive, they paused for a moment and said, “good point.”
Along with the $3.8 million dollar purse given for the closing night guest spot, Mr. Limbaugh is also expected to attend the dinner afterwords and mingle with the attending Proctologists, possibly even signing some autographs.
“I just can’t wait to meet him!” Shared Dr. Elmor Tohoun of Grand Rapids, MI. “We’re normally up to our wrists in asshole, but to actually get to rub elbows with one, that’s going to be epic!”
Rumors have it that Dick Cheney has been approached to headline the event next year, but considering the fact that he will eventually be in prison for war crimes against humanity, organizers are reconsidering his selection.
S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at www.TheMessyGlory.com
Follow S. Bernstein on Twitter: @MrBernstein on Twitter