New Pope Announces Catholic Church will still not be Nice to Gays, or Women, but They’re Cool with Gay Women

Following a week of closed-door meetings within the Vatican, Pope Francis I declared that the Church will stand strong on its belief that homosexuality is a sin and that women, in the eyes of God, are not equal to men. But in a surprising announcement minutes later, he declared that after careful consideration (and much praying), the leaders of the Church have agreed that gay women would be allowed into more prominent roles, like leading the congregation in mass celebrations.

Referring to mostly Old Testament Scripture, Pope Francis pointed out that the Bible made it a sin for a man to lay with a man, but it never once mentions anything about women who want to get funky with one another. “God only forbade sodomy,” the Pope explained, “but apparently, he’s totally cool with lesbians.”

The Vatican then released this line of merchandise that endorsed the ‘God’s totally cool with lesbians’ idea.

When asked why this form of homosexuality was not frowned upon by the Church, Pope Francis simply stated, “We all know that no matter what two women do in the bedroom, at the end of the day, it still only amounts to foreplay.”

It appears that this acceptance of lesbian leadership will not be extended to the nuns, who are still expected to remain celibate, as they are married to God himself.

In other Vatican news, thousands of nuns have now applied for leadership roles in the Catholic Church. Sources say hundreds of nunneries have also been setting off fireworks all over the Italian countryside, no word as to what they are actually celebrating.


S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at

Follow S. Bernstein on Twitter: @MrBernstein on Twitter

Author: The Blue Route

What say you, the people?