Last Night Of CPAC Brings Big Surprise: Zombie Reagan!

To end what was days of unbelievably coherent and intelligent speeches by some of America’s greatest Conservative minds, the gathering of freedom-loving folk was brought to their feet by their closing speaker, Zombie Ronald Reagan.

Zombie Reagan was rumored to have been considered a possibility in the early days of planning, but some felt that he may have been lost in an amazing line-up of successful politicians like Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Allen West and that pizza guy. Sources now tell us that he was planned as the last speaker of the last day, but it was kept under wraps, as a surprise for those who managed to stick it out all three days without overdosing on Patriotism.

Sadly, being a zombie, Reagan was not coherent as he mostly just made growling noises and clawed at the air around him. An interpreter attempted to explain what he was trying to convey, but after a few minutes, it was obvious that he made as much sense as he did his last days in office.

When asked how Zombie Reagan was considered safe to let loose, being that we all know zombies will attack and bite in their attempt to feed on brains, we were told that never appeared to be an issue the entire time he was with his Conservative admirers. Former President George W. Bush, even shared with us that he had spent almost an hour with Zombie Reagan in the Green Room, “…and he never, once, acted like I had anything in my skull that enticed him into attacking me.”

After the conference, Zombie Reagan was scheduled to host a $500-a-plate dinner in the main dining hall, but he apparently attacked one of the bus boys while they were setting up the room. The victim was bitten in the neck, and had to be put down almost immediately, sources say he appeared to be a Hispanic gentleman wearing an Obama t-shirt underneath his uniform. Witnesses are being questioned as to why this man, in particular, is the only person Zombie Reagan felt the need to feed off of. An official answer has not been given.

Rumors have hinted at a possible, country-wide tour of Zombie Reagan. When we talked to Professor Clyde Scilly, Zombie Expert at NYU, he said that it was possible to tour the former President, but with the summer months approaching, proper refrigeration might be an issue.


Author: The Blue Route

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