Not three hours later, in an unprecedented appearance, History held a press conference in which he stated that, “No, in fact, I plan on pretty much bitch-slapping that idiot with all the facts at my disposal.”
This is the first time, since the Nixon Administration, that History (a very reclusive figure who rarely is seen in public) has found the gravity of a situation so important, he felt a public appearance was necessary. When asked why he decided to speak up now, History responded, “Well, usually I let Time handle these things, because we all know that Time will Tell, but after what Ronald Reagan did to your country and the fact that so many Americans still idolize him for something he never was, I felt I needed to come forth and make it very clear that History, as well as Time, we’re more than positive that George W. Bush was an absolute failure as a President.”
He then went on to give examples of Bush’s failed immigration policies, his war in Iraq based on lies, the housing crises, a recession, massive unemployment and his inability to eat pretzels without hurting himself. “What you had in that Oval Office was a complete buffoon,” History added, “but the fact that the American people gave him four more years, myself, Time and all the rest of the gang will always be happy to tell the world that a majority of your country were idiots as well.”
When asked about the current administration and political climate, History had a much shorter answer. “History is aware that President Obama is doing all he can to help this country, and I am also aware the GOP has become a party of obstructionist, but I will leave it up to Time to see if Americans have smarted up at all since the election of 2004 – or if you are all, still, a bunch of morons.”
History then went on to apologize for how crappy his channel has been lately, and when questioned why he is allowing a series about the Bible air on what is supposed to be a fact-based channel, he merely shrugged and mumbled something about ratings. When we questioned Jeb Bush about what History stated was an incorrect assumption on his part, he said something vague about being misquoted, then began discussing the health-benefits of carrots.
S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at www.TheMessyGlory.com
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