In a surprise announcement, Mr. Cain explained that what the Vatican needed was someone who understood how a business needs to be run. “I have helped turn around companies my whole life and have served on boards across the land, from Nabisco and Whirlpool to Reader’s Digest and Burger King. I know what it would take to make the Catholic Church a viable force in the world once again.”
When it was pointed out that he was a Baptist, Cain made it clear he was willing to change religions if offered the position of Pope. “I think we have seen, these last few years, that the Vatican needs to focus a little less on choosing a life-long Catholic and instead, focus on choosing a life-long businessman who can help them turn a profit.” He then went on to say that as the CEO of Godfathers Pizza, who would be better able to run an Italian business more than someone who was, and we quote, “King of the Godfathers.”
He then laughed his uncomfortable laugh while the room remained silent, then wiped his brow.
He then added, “It’s time for us to take the Catholic Church back to the majesty and glory it knew during its heyday of the 12th to 15th Centuries!” When it was pointed out to Mr. Cain that during that time the Catholic Church was actually murdering tens of thousands of people during their Inquisitions, Cain mumbled, “I gotta go back and see. I got all this stuff twirling around in my head. Specifically what did you ask me if I did agree or did not agree?”
Luckily, one of his staffers/pizza employees called him away on some sort of cheese emergency. An attempt was made to contact the Vatican Communications Director, concerning this turn of events, we have yet to receive a response. Sources later told us the cheese emergency was deftly handled by Mr. Cain.