GOP To Exhume Johnny Carson, To Investigate Possible Terrorists Ties

In a bizarre turn of events in an otherwise quiet week, GOP lawmakers are demanding  the body of Johnny Carson be exhumed and autopsied to see if he was a secret terrorist or had ties to possible terrorists.

Johnny Carson, one of the most famous TV personalities of all time, hosted The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson from 1962 to 1992. He passed away in 2005 at the age of 75, of respiratory failure arising from emphysema.

The fear-mongering was originally believed to have started with Senator Marc Rubio (R-FL) who made the following statement on the Senate Floor:

“Besides the obvious, that Mr. Carson was friends with the liberal elite, had the ear of many in power and was known to pal around with those who were pushing the homosexual agenda – we have reason to believe that his consistent wearing of a turban during his Carnac The Magnificent sketch, and the famous phrase they would say at the beginning of each routine, was actually a way to communicate with terror cells around the world.” 

The famous phrase Senator Rubio was referring to,  said by Ed McMahon at the beginning of every Carnac sketch, was this:

“I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They’ve been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall’s porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your borderline divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions.”

Senator Rubio was then joined by the other young embarrassment to the Republican Party, Ted Cruz (R-TX), who explained that innocent sounding phrases like ‘a child of four‘, ‘#2 mayonnaise jar‘ and ‘since noon today‘ was possibly a way he was providing secrets to either terrorists, the Russians, or someone else “very scary.” 

The exhuming of Mr. Carson’s body will take place before the end of April, which oddly enough, is  National Safe Digging Month.

When asked if they will also dig up his sidekick, Ed McMahon, who passed away in 2009, Senator Rubio was unable to respond as he was trying to reach for a bottle of water, but Senator Cruz replied in a rather disgusted tone, “That’s not even funny, no one wants to see that shit, now you’re just being ridiculous!”

 

S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at www.TheMessyGlory.com

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Author: The Blue Route

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