Eric Cantor Ancestry Traced Back To Early American A$$holes

In a sit down with famed author, literary critic and professor, Henry Louis Gates, Jr – Representative Cantor discovered he was not only descended from some of the first Americans to arrive on the Mayflower, but in fact, that those first relatives were the Asshole family of Essex County, England.

Dr. Gates is the renowned intellect who most recently hosted the PBS series, Finding Your Roots, which traced the genealogy of such amazing talents as Yo-Yo Ma and Kevin Bacon, and also mediocre talents like Wanda Sykes and Margaret Cho.

As the first in a series of programs entitled Probing Your Politicians, Dr. Gates will trace the ancestry of those who are working to create a better America and also will feature some Republicans. This first episode, which featured the House of Representatives Majority Leader from the state of Virginia, delved into the history of Eric Cantor beyond what even Mr. Cantor himself was aware of.

Cantor had always believed his family had immigrated from Eastern Europe in the early 1800s, or at least that’s what Wikipedia told him every time he Googled himself, but in fact Mr. Gates found that not to be the case. Extensive research uncovered that Mr. Cantor is descended from the Coney Island Cantors, whose roots were then traced to parts of New England. Apparently, the name Cantor came about in the early 1900’s, when the family name of Asshole was found to mean something totally different in America, and was officially changed to Cantor.

Once the original name of Asshole was discovered by Dr. Gates, it was traced back to the Mayflower, whose ship logs show a Vivian and Leopold Asshole, and their three children, Carmyn, Vangie and Rufus. It was the last child, Rufus, who was the great-great-great-great-grandfather of what we now know as that ‘whiny guy who likes to hang around that orange guy’ in Washington.

When the news was relayed to Rep. Cantor, about actually being descended from a long line of Assholes, he merely nodded his head and didn’t say anything in response. Dr. Gates then went on to explain that as they slowly researched more and more of Cantor’s family history, once they figured out that he was really an Asshole, things just really started to make sense and fall into place.

Next week Dr. Gates will trace the lineage of Representative Reid Ribble (R) of Wisconsin, which from what we can tell from early polling, not one person could give a shit about and the question ‘Is Wisconsin actually still a state?‘ came up more than once.


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Author: The Blue Route

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