Conservative Scientists Discover Cure for Rape (SATIRE)

BREAKING: After a great deal of research conducted by the top minds of the world scientific community, scientists are claiming that they have discovered something long thought to be an impossible, the cure for rape.  Scientists are testifying to their treatment’s effectiveness, claiming that their process leads to an almost 100% effective cure rate among all test subjects.  The solution, though revolutionary, is quite simple according to the team’s research: Give everyone a penis.

The reasoning, experts say, is in what scientists call a merger of political and scientific process to find new ways to solve current medical and social problems.  According to top minds on the project, the process towards finding this possible cure started when scientists began looking toward other regulatory policies currently in use and testing them scientifically.  In this case – gun control policy.  Lead chemist for the team Dr. Johnson had this to say:

“If we subscribe to the conservative theory that giving each and every man, woman, and child a firearm will make all of us Americans safer; we are also acknowledging that it is the increase in firearms that produces safety, not the reduction suggested by the   current Administration.  Increase guns, decrease violence, simple.  Therefore, I hypothesized the benefits of hybridizing this into the scientific method and formed the “Increase to Decrease Method” that we are now applying across a multitude of areas.  An attempt to reduce sexual crimes is just one of those areas.” 

This “Increase to Decrease” model was applied by Dr. Johnson’s team in various ways.  Early tests by Johnson’s team included putting more cars on congested highways to decrease the number automobile accidents.  Another involved increasing high school classroom sizes by 40% in an attempt to decrease student failure and drop out rates.  Results were mixed initially, but Dr. Johnson, being one of the leading conservative scientists in his field said, “Where science is concerned, you just can’t let facts or conflicting data get in the way of what you’re trying to prove.”

This apparently led to Johnson’s “light bulb moment” when testing the method on sexual assault.  Data from testing began to pour in quickly and to Johnson the conclusion was clear:  The solution to reducing rape incidents was to increase the number and availability of penises on the street.  Dr. Johnson stated, “If everyone had a penis, then everyone would be safer from rape.  You wouldn’t just try and rape someone if you thought they might also be carrying a penis.”  Rapists interviewed by Dr. Johnson stated that they would be 40% less likely to engage a victim if they thought a penis would be possibly used against them.  Johnson mentioned that after adapting this method to his own team, work in his own office was far more comfortable, once his team only had to deal with people who had penises.

Due to the remarkable efforts of this crack team of international scientists now referred to as “The Johnson Team,” an executive order is expected to be signed within the week to begin the full and free distribution of penises to each and every United States citizen that wishes to receive one.  As a result of these changes, Capitol Hill is considering loosening up on current penis control policy for those already holding state-registered penises, with senators suggesting that it now be legal to carry a penis into public buildings such as court houses, libraries, and schools.  The current constitutional law concerning penises currently permits “concealed carry” only, but law makers indicate that this may now be subject to change.

Buzz is already swirling in the scientific community of the accolades that the Johnson team is expected to receive as their popular “Increase to Decrease Method” is adapted in other areas.  When asked what’s next, Johnson simply stated that his greatest focus as a conservative was upon making sure each branch of industry and government had enough penises to be able to function properly.  He encouraged everyone to register for their free penis as soon as possible, mentioning that pay rate for all penis holders is on average 25%, percent higher, regardless of profession.  Johnson concluded our interview by boasting one noticed side effect of the penis distribution program concerning the original issue of gun control – “that recipients of a comfortably sized penis seemed to lose interest in gun ownership entirely.”

Author: Ryan Eatmon

Son, Father, political hack, lover of the Chicago Cubs, Chicago Bears, Chicago Bulls, Chicago Blackhawks and the Marquette University Golden Eagles. Co-Founder and Admin of The Blue Route.

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