BREAKING NEWS: Senator Mitch McConnell Hospitalized With Rare Turtle Disease

Monday morning, after spending an uneventful Easter weekend with family, Sen. McConnell (R) was rushed to the emergency room when he complained of not feeling right.

After a battery of tests at the Sacred Memorial Hospital in Frankfurt, KY, the following statement was made:

“Senator McConnell is in stable condition after a somewhat baffling few hours of tests. In my 34 years in medicine, I have never seen anything like this” said Dr. Reginald Feerwagun, head of the Intensive Care Unit at Sacred Memorial. “We have narrowed it down to a Chelonian Infection, something we’ve never seen before in a human being, as it only occurs in species of turtles.”

Chelonian Infection, also known as ‘shell-rot’, occurs when the shell of a turtle is cut or scraped and becomes infected when small organisms enter these wounds and then take hold within the bone underneath, slowly penetrating further into the turtle, sometimes causing serious (and even fatal) infections within the turtle.

Once we figured out what we were dealing with,” continued Dr. Feerwagun, “we flew in experts from The Turtle Hospital in Marathon, Florida. These men and women deal with issues like this on a daily basis, and though they have found it unusual to be occurring within the host of a human body, they feel that following the same protocol as the infected turtles, Senator McConnell should have a full recovery.” 

Dr. Feerwagun then went on to explain that the course of treatment will include swabbing the lesions with disinfectant while  keeping the Senator on antibiotics, and during the first few days of treatment, keeping him out of the water as much as possible, only allowing short bursts of immersion in order for him to eat or defecate.

When asked if the Senator’s age would be a factor, the medical team felt that since turtles live to be old as shit, age should not be a factor. They also expressed how happy they were that Senator McConnell’s government-provided insurance would help to pay the medical expenses this turn of events would incur, because we all know that if he was just an average American working an average, American job – he would probably be expecting the rest of us to pay for his medical expenses…being that Americans are fat, lazy slobs who just want a handout – which is why Senator McConnell fights to rid us of the Evil known as Obamacare.

When asked how a human could even contract a disease that has only ever been seen in turtles, though unable to give a specific answer, the medical staff did allude to the fact that perhaps him looking so much like a turtle has a little more something to it than just coincidence in this matter.

Sources close to Senator McConnell have stated that Maury Povich has contacted the family, offering to get to the bottom of this. 

 

S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at www.TheMessyGlory.com

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