Current RNC Chairman, Reince Priebus (not to be confused with Reince Priebus, the acclaimed German adult toy manufacturer), has announced that in order to show the American people that Evolution is in fact a myth, Mitt Romney will be re-nominated as the Presidential hopeful in 2016.
“By definition, Evolution is the gradual development of something, an improvement upon a species that prove that the strongest and most intelligent are what survives and prospers,” Explained Priebus, “so in order for us to show that our world was created by a Divine Being using the process of Intelligent Design and not this survival-of-the-fittest mumbo jumbo, the GOP has decided that we will remain in our simplest form by refusing to improve upon our past mistakes, and our first major step will be by asking Governor Romney to run again in the race for the White House.”
For those who remember him, Governor Romney was the gentleman who ran against Barack Obama in 2012, using a little known technique of opposing everything he had stood for all his previous years in politics. He lost in one of the most decisive elections in history, embarrassing both himself and his party, something the Republican Party apparently is willing to embrace a second time.
Sources close to Mitt Romney have stated that if the Republican Party feels that running him a second time, and losing the votes of women, young people, minorities and most everyone in America besides upper-class White men- is something they want – he is willing to run again if it helps to make the point that as a species, we are not slaves to the myth of Evolution.
Chairman Priebus has also announced that this is not a new decision, in fact, a decision was made in 2009 by the Republican Party to do all it could to remain the party of no growth. “If the American people had been paying attention,” Priebus stated, “they would have noticed that with our stance against civil rights, gay rights, women’s rights and the rights of the poor, our Party has been committed to the cause of making sure we do not evolve any further than necessary as we try to remain as ridiculous and backwards as we ever were.”
A few intelligent Republicans who believe in Evolution have voiced their concern over this decision, but considering the fact that their numbers only added up to less than a dozen, they have been drowned out from the Intelligent Design Republicans who have called this decision ‘God-worthy.’
To further their cause of Evolution-denial, the Republican Party is also introducing Bill H.R. 564, which will triple the number of military recruiters on high school campuses nationwide, while making higher-education counseling illegal in most states.
S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at www.TheMessyGlory.com