Bloomberg To Ban New Yorkers From Acting Like A$$holes

After going after guns, big sodas and cigarettes, Mayor Bloomberg has decided to stop screwing around and just go after what makes New York so shitty most of the time, bad attitudes.

In a press conference on Monday, Bloomberg said:

“The biggest problem with this city is that everyone seems to confuse having a New York Attitude with just being an asshole, but really, those are two different things. One is interesting, like when Archie Bunker would rant on with his racist crap, that was all attitude, it was funny! DeNiro, attitude! Now we have people like Donald Trump, who like to think they are interesting and have things to say, but in reality, he’s just an asshole who can’t seem to keep his mouth shut.”

Bloomberg went on to explain that if we could just tone down the constant jerkiness of the cab drivers, the cops, the deli workers and the retail workers, we could slowly turn New York back to the interesting place it once was.

We’re implementing a three-step plan,” Bloomberg explained, “where we first are going to create an advertising campaign on all buses and bus stops, then we’ll work our way into the high schools to help stem the jerkiness when they’re young, and finally as a last attempt for those who just can’t seem to help themselves, we’ll ask the NYPD to start issuing citations when they see someone act like an asshole in public.”

We asked the Mayor, if this works, what would be the next step? He explained that the Mayors of both Philadelphia and Pittsburgh are very interested in having  similar programs be implemented in their cities, being that they are overrun by assholes at almost every level.

We asked Mayor Rahm Emanuel, of Chicago, if they had any intention of creating a similar program for the Windy City…he responded with a hearty, “Fuck you!

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Author: The Blue Route

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