CHARLOTTE, S.C. (UP)—Mortified by a morning-after review of both his delegate count and his ill-advised whitey-dance at Allen University, billionaire activist Tom Steyer has dropped out of the Democratic Primary race. “I think I was roofied by Bern-bros,” said the 62-year-old hopeful who confessed to being rhythmically challenged most of his life.
Steyer predictably entered the race several months after launching a laughably transparent trial balloon in the form of an ad campaign to impeach President Trump. Coming into Saturday’s South Carolina primary with little organic “mo,” Steyer inexplicably found himself live onstage dancing with has-been rapper Juvenile, as the latter’s hit Back That Azz Up blared above. This quickly earned him his own rap-handle on Twitter, “Pander-Bear.”
“I guess $168 million of your own money doesn’t go very far in politics anymore” said a recuperating Steyer, who had zero delegates at the end of four state-wide delegate contests.