And Tom Steyer is Out of the Race

CHARLOTTE, S.C. (UP)—Mortified by a morning-after review of both his delegate count and his ill-advised whitey-dance at Allen University, billionaire activist Tom Steyer has dropped out of the Democratic Primary race. “I think I was roofied by Bern-bros,” said the 62-year-old hopeful who confessed to being rhythmically challenged most of his life.

Steyer predictably entered the race several months after launching a laughably transparent trial balloon in the form of an ad campaign to impeach President Trump. Coming into Saturday’s South Carolina primary with little organic “mo,” Steyer inexplicably found himself live onstage dancing with has-been rapper Juvenile, as the latter’s hit Back That Azz Up blared above. This quickly earned him his own rap-handle on Twitter, “Pander-Bear.”

“I guess $168 million of your own money doesn’t go very far in politics anymore” said a recuperating Steyer, who had zero delegates at the end of four state-wide delegate contests.

No shit.

Author: Bill Urich

A tail-end baby-boomer, Bill Urich was born in Cleveland to a grade school teacher and her Navy vet husband, and reared in Greater Detroit. Working his way through school primarily at night, Mr. Urich holds a Bachelor’s in Journalism, Phi Beta Kappa, and a Juris Doctorate from Wayne State University. In his legal career he has acted as an assistant state prosecutor, city attorney, special prosecutor, mediator, magistrate, private practitioner and mayor of Royal Oak, a large home-rule city in Michigan. Mr. Urich continues in private practice and municipal prosecution, is on faculty to DePaul University, pens regular contributions to political publications, and remains active in selected campaigns and causes related to labor, social and criminal justice. A father of three mostly-grown sons, he spends his precious free time on family, friends, the pursuit of happiness, beauty and truth, three rescue cats, and fronting the rock band Calcutta Rugs from behind the drum kit.

What say you, the people?