America and the Curious Case of Iraq Tourette's

In the run up to a possible attack on Syria, a clear case of affliction has come over the American public. From pundits and talking heads all the way down to the man in the street, the word “Iraq” seems to come flying out of the mouths of domestic citizens regardless of whether or not the comparison makes any sense at all. There were signs of this malady during the initial strikes and the creation of a “no fly” zone during the Libya conflict. Much like how Glenn Beck cannot avoid the mention of Hitler when discussing the current President, politicians, the media, and the average citizen just could not seem to help but bring up Iraq for the 7 months of the conflict. It was almost like pulling a string on a “See and Say,” and finding that the “war dog says Iraq” was the only working function. For their part, Iraq is properly pissed. Iraq was quoted as saying,
“Are you fucking kidding me? Our shit went on for over eight years and you want to compare me to Lybia?” Iraq continued, “We are still dealing with this bullshit to this day, and to call Lybia a footnote, it to insult the concept of a footnote.” Iraq then threw its shoe at a map of Syria and then requested pictures of the logos of all the major American news organizations.
On the flip side, Vietnam is overjoyed not to be the reflexive stock answer twitch for the USA every time there is a potential brouhaha between the US and another nation. In a press release, Vietnam stated,
“We rejoice in the news that Americans no longer suffer from the affliction of uttering my name every single time they drop a bomb on someone.” Vietnam then went on to say, “We share our regrets with Iraq that must now suffer the indignity of…oh, fuckit who am I kidding? Vietnam said, “that shit is your problem now.”
Another group displeased with this intellectually deficient disease are people with actual Tourette’s. Current Tourette’s spokesman, Howie Mandel, issued a statement at a press conference that read,
“We people who suffer from a real syndrome take great issue with our fellow Americans who seem to have chosen to suffer from our affliction. These people are a mockery to the folks in this country who take medication, seek therapy, and struggle everyday with the compulsive issues that the disease forces us to deal with.” Mandel then made it personal by saying, “My God, I make ends meet by co-judging people doing stupid human tricks on America’s Got Talent to make ends meet, have I not been humiliated enough?”
Mandel then walked away from the podium muttering “cock suckers” and “mother fuckers” to himself uncontrollably. A Tourette’s expert on the scene said that he doubted this had anything to do with the syndrome, that it was probably just an honest reaction to the myopic thought and rampant stupidity of the American culture and their inability to make an appropriate comparison. We tried to reach Syrian President, Bashar Assad for comment, but between gassing children and pointing at American television and laughing, we were informed that he “just didn’t have the time.” Originally published by the mighty Nine Inch News.

Author: David Phillips

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